Saturday, October 8, 2011

Nope, nope, nope. I don't want to

Nope Nope Nope.  Not going to.  Changed my mind.

First, I thought no bureaucracy was going to surprise me after working for the state of New York.  Ha and Ha I say.  Definitely, Federal bureaucracy is an animal unto itself.  And what a paradox - the most sophisticated electronic records keeping for patients and the most archaic paper trails.  How many pieces of paper did I have to sign in the first two weeks? 

Nope.  Not going to do it.  Changed my mind.

Nice group of people I am working with - diverse, good people.  Supervisor is obviously a leader in the field, well respected, compassionate, and knows what he’s doing.  But, I guess I don’t want anyone walking around in my head like I thought I did.  You know defense mechanisms are there for a reason, people!  Any if one more person says, “how does that make you feel,” I think I will pop them.  (and this after three whole weeks on the job.)

Na na na.  This is not what I want.  

How about bagging groceries, huh?  That would be nice and routine.  Or perhaps postal carrier - whoops, that’s the feds again.  Never mind.  Certainly a low level job in a museum would be perfect.  Don’t want to be in charge anymore.  Just do a job, get a pay check, go home and read science fiction or murder mysteries.

Definitely underestimated what I signed up for.

I am 52 freaking years old.  Why am I considered a student again?  Why did I put myself in this position?  Oh, right, I wanted to become a board certified chaplain, and they have some crazy high standards to meet.  

I guess it won’t kill me.  Guess I will learn and grow.  Blah blah blah.  The only thing saving this whole mess is my clinical time with patients.  It’s when I’m listening to a veteran tell his or her story that I remember why I am torturing myself with more “self discovery.”  (Torture being a very accurate term from where I sit.)  I am a good chaplain.  I like being a chaplain.  I can be a better chaplain.

But whoever said or wrote or gave the impression that it never hurts to know more about yourself and grow is full of it.  Of course it hurts.  Hurts like hell.  Disturbs your self confidence.  Makes you look at stuff that you carefully tucked away in some back recess of your consciousness.  I put it back there for a reason, c'mon.

Damn.  Welcome to CPE Residency - the Second Round.

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