you know how it is
when your heart constricts
to the point where your chest and back hurt
when breath seems like a three dimensional thing
instead of a gas
it’s how you feel at the bedside of
a dying loved one
or when your spouse leaves
or when a child is in rehab again
or when your dog runs into traffic
it just hurts
today i can’t breathe
not because my loved ones are in danger
but the 35 year old who is brain dead
and the 29 year old with anoxic brain injury
and the 87 year old with dementia
and the other five people actively dying
and the 70 year old with the terminal diagnosis
I can’t breathe
with no room to process
no help
no where to go
and the boss in on vacation
and my husband is on pilgrimage
and my kids moved thousands of miles away
and the dog’s not much help
I can’t breathe
and albuterol does not help
I can’t breathe
so I recite the prayers
in mumbled ritual
images of PAPR helmets
and yellow gowns
and ventilators being removed
and iPads filled with the
faces of crying loved ones
I fill my lungs with precious air
and remind myself that I can breathe
I am NOT in the middle of the pandemic
that today is just a horrible bad day
I have colleagues who will hold me as
I hold them
my heart will mend
my lungs will mend
I will mend
